The ENTJ: Sex, Dating, and Love

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February 12, 2016 by philipbullitthughes

The ENTJ loves a good challenge. They tend to see life as one great competition—there is much to do and much to be conquered—and romance is no different.

downloadBecause of the ENTJs decisive, commanding personality, they usually find themselves in some sort of position of authority. And these positions—business, athletics, politics, or whatever catches their fancy—often take up most of their time. That said, ENTJs don’t typically feel like they have time for romance. Not that they don’t enjoy it. They do. They just seek out the highest level of efficiency for their lives as possible. So, in the beginning phases of a romance, the framework for the relationship is usually laid out and strictly adhered to. Casual dating is typically viewed as an inefficient use of their time. Sure, they’ll go on dates for fun. But rarely will an ENTJ dive into something serious unless they see the long term benefits to such a relationship.

imagesNow, keeping all these factors in mind, the ENTJ typically seeks out one characteristic above all else in a potential mate: competency. They are driven, blunt, and sharp. They need someone who can keep pace with their formidable personalities. Someone self-sufficient and able to step back and let them do their thing. Neediness disgusts them. Rarely is a relationship tolerated where a partner exhibits this kind of weakness. Thus, it takes someone with especially high self-esteem to get along with the ENTJ, able to dish it out as well as take it. But the ENTJ is not the sort to be bothered by being challenged. In fact, they like it. To them, as long as the arguments make sense, that means the other person is strong.

It may sound like the ENTJ is too tough-minded to get along with in a romantic setting. Oddly enough, when someone does catch the ENTJs eye—someone that meets their stringent standards—they tend to treat them far differently than the average acquaintance. They can express a tenderness that rivals a Feeler, showering them with compliments and thoughtful romantic gifts. But this is reserved only for that special person. And it’s true, their loved one usually does feel special. It’s not uncommon for an ENTJ to speak forcefully to someone and then turn right around and be kind and gentle to whoever it is they care for.

Group Of Business People Having Board Meeting Around Glass Table

That said, the tenderness often vanishes when it comes to conflict. For the ENTJ, conflict is looked at like another form of competition. When a partner brings up something that has bothered them, the ENTJ has trouble not wanting to win the argument. They seek out the flaws in what their partner has said—large or small—and usually try to establish their own stance…Even if they don’t necessarily disagree with what their partner is saying. That’s because ENTJs are one of the few personalities that actually enjoy a good debate. Their partner can feel extremely hurt when this happens. Before, they might have felt special and unique in the ENTJs eyes. Now, they feel just like everyone else—prey to the ENTJs strong, seemingly unemotional, rough nature.

Fortunately, the ENTJ can turn it off when they realize that the conversation is of a more serious note. But it usually takes some practice for them to let the ‘win’ go and reach this level of understanding. Unfortunately, this might not happen until the ENTJ has brought their loved one to tears, often feeling confused themselves because they felt like they were just having a nice conversation.

images (1)When it comes to sex, ENTJs tend to march to the beat of their own drum. They have their own set of criteria they adhere to while shrugging off conventional standards. Now, what that criteria is depends on what they decide fits who they want to be. They might be deeply religious, strictly adhering to the principles of their faith. Or, if decided upon in advance, they can be less than firm in the area of chastity, able to separate the emotion from the action. Now, that’s not to say they’re loose. Usually, ENTJs tend to view lacking self-control with loathing, and therefore usually eschew being with others who have had multiple partners. Also, as a matter of pride, ENTJs want to feel like their partner views them as a cut above the rest. If sex is given out freely to whoever requests it, then there’s nothing special about them or the relationship.

download (1)If you happen to be interested in an ENTJ, be prepared to spar. Know this though: if they take time to debate with you, it’s usually because they respect you. They’re not simply being argumentative. Be aware that the ENTJ tends to get wrapped up in work. Don’t be afraid to tell them you want to spend time with them directly as subtle hints usually get brushed off.

If you are an ENTJ, remember that not everyone enjoys debate quite as much as you might. Be flexible in an argument; be willing to say that you were wrong rather than trying to find the flaws in their logic. Remember to appreciate your positive characteristics: your strong will, leadership, directness, and, when you want to be, your extraordinarily loving personality.

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7 thoughts on “The ENTJ: Sex, Dating, and Love

  1. […] philipbullitthughes The ENTJ loves a good challenge. They tend to see life as one great competition—there is much to […]

  2. Female INFP says:

    Hi there,

    I’ve dated a few guys in the past but never had a proper relationship before. I recently feel that it’s time for me to overcome my fear of commitment and attachment to someone because I think being in love, loving someone and being loved is such a big part of living. To live to the fullest, I’m willing to take the risk of having my heart broken but I definitely will do my best to prevent the unnecessary heartbreak. I feel I’ve learnt from past experiences and am more aware of myself and am ready to be in a relationship.

    I just got to know a guy who is an ENTJ. Everything is very very preliminary now. But I think far far ahead when I switched my mindset to looking for a long-term r/ship. This sets me in the mode of looking for a life partner, which led to lots of scenarios in my mind with this ENTJ guy that I’m attracted to but don’t know much about yet.

    After reading the descriptions of ENTJ, I’m afraid we’re not a good match. I am very sensitive and care a great deal about compassion, sincerity and kindness. I really don’t know him much so it’s an intuitive sense that he has all these in him (and I might be wrong). I don’t mind it so much that he’s more in control (he’s definitely setting the tone and pace of where things are going between us) as I can be pretty laid back. But I’m just wondering if ENTJs would be arrogant and too self-absorbed? I wish there’s going to be a genuinely strong connection and if I have that, I would like to get a sense of how challenging such a match would be?

    Thanks for the articles on the different MBTIs – it’s written in ways that I can understand well 🙂

    • Hi there. So good news and bad news: the good news is that many believe the INFP to be an excellent match with the ENTJ type. ENTJs are actually pretty sensitive, but usually only to a select few people. Bad news is, yes, they can come across as arrogant and cold-hearted at times, but that shouldn’t disqualify them from a relationship. I would challenge you to speak your mind when he’s hurt your feelings, but also learn to choose your battles for the things that really matter to you. If you’re blunt with the ENTJ, they usually receive it well. Otherwise, they will instinctively start to step on you. They don’t mean to; they don’t even want to. It usually happens because the S.O. doesn’t challenge them when they’re being a jerk. The good news is, ENTJs like a challenge. In short, I would say proceed with caution. Be open and honest and communicate rather than retreat. It could be a great match!

      • I’m an infp female, married for 27years to an entj. I am crazy about him! It can be an excellent match though a compatible personality is not equal to good character so look out for that. Kindness is a trait which I value highly. Entj can be very caring because they’re thoughtful and principled. I joke that my biggest strength is that I get out of his way! You will need to have a strong sense of self and an ability to enjoy your own company. It’s probably like owning a racehorse. Look after it and watch it win. He loves that I have a soft, feeling side to me but am able to communicate it to him rationally in a way he can understand and learn from. He also likes that I have a ‘kooky’ side to me because he has no kook at all! We learn from each other and grow stronger. I am one of the few people who can see his vulnerable, sensitive self.

      • What a great success story, Linda! Thank you for sharing. INFP and ENTJ pairings tend to be very successful. 🙂

  3. ESTP Female says:

    Hi, I’m a Female ESTP dating a male ENTJ. We were friends first and we have now been dating for a few months. I think he is fantastic. Always energetic and curious about everything just like me. All of the information about ESTP vs ENTJ relationships seems to suggest that we are not compatible but my experience so far contradicts this. We have a difficulty – that he often assumes I’m like most women and tries to be too sensitive towards me or reading between the lines and not understanding that I actually mean what I say. This isn’t a problem it just causes misunderstandings sometimes. The other thing is that he I pursued him. This makes me unsure that he made a decision about being with me. I want to clearly know that he wants this and that he’s not just in this because I persuaded him to be in it. How do you think I can approach him with this question? I know I can be direct but I don’t want him to think I’m being ”needy”. Also, do you know of any successful ENTJ male vs ESTP female relationships?

    • Thanks so much for your comment!

      Second-guessing a relationship is very common, no matter the pairing. ESTP and ENTJ relationships are not the most common, but they’re certainly not unheard of. The area of great compatibility is socializing and giving each other a lot of independence. He likely admires your tactical intelligence (the ability to persuade others and think on your feet) and you likely admire his mental toughness and drive. Areas of struggle likely include his desire to discuss theory and the abstract while you like tend to gravitate toward the concrete details of life. It’s imperative that you see each others differences and value each other for them, rather than trying to change each other into what you want.
      I think an important thing to remember is that he is with you already, so you don’t need to feel insecure about things (though that’s totally normal to feel that way.)
      Remember that ENTJs are extremely independent. They rarely allow themselves to be persuaded into anything, romantic or otherwise. They either choose to be with someone because they see value in the combination, or they move on. (The ‘value’ may range from intellectual compatibility, sexual compatibility, a companion, etc.)
      ENTJs value being direct. If you want to talk about anything with them, it’s best to speak your mind and avoid beating around the bush. If you think the conversation would help you to stop doubting, then having that conversation might be a good thing.
      Lastly, if you’re feeling like he’s pulling away from you, the best thing you can do with their type is to calmly express how you feel them (that you care and want to be with them, etc.), but to let them go their own way. ENTJs like strength, and if you stay strong in the face of a break-up, they are more likely to come back.
      I hope this helps!
      -Philip

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