The INTJ Female: Why Dating can be Challenging
28January 24, 2016 by philipbullitthughes
I’ve had quite a few requests to go into more detail on the female INTJ and their dating difficulties, so I have decided to oblige and expound upon my previous posts below. I’ve been hesitant to do so because I realize this is a bit dangerous in that it can come across as a gross oversimplification, but I’ll do my best. So please bear with me.
It’s true, out of all the personality types it seems the female Mastermind has the most difficult time when it comes to finding a mate. Why, they often wonder, if they are so talented, bright, and deep, do they feel so overlooked and, more often than that, why are they unable to locate a suitable partner?
If you’re an INTJ it might come as no surprise that you’re the rarest personality type—approximately 1% of the population. What you may not know, however, is that if you’re a female INTJ your numbers are even more staggeringly low: around .25% of the entire population.
Now, if you happen to be an INTJ female you may be thinking, “That is awesome. I’m like the jadeite of personalities! But what does that have to do with love?” Yes, you’re that rare. But being so rare presents some challenges in the dating sphere.
If you take a look at my previous post on INTJs and dating, then you’ll understand many of the challenges INTJs already face when it comes to love. But for females, it is even more difficult. Why? Well, being rare (while very cool) has it pitfalls, namely that few people know how to interact with someone they have had little contact with. The average person has trouble keeping up with the INTJs intelligence, blunt nature, and critical eye; and though intelligence and critical spirits exist in both sexes, trenchancy is predominantly considered to be a male characteristic. Potential mates might expect a warmer, more sensitive person based on stereotypes. The INTJ female, however, usually flushes convention down the drain and will say precisely what pops into her head.
But this is not the only struggle INTJ females face. It is true: all INTJs want an intelligent mate. But for the female, this is often the area where they will compromise the least. Male INTJs tend to be okay with a partner less than their equal when it comes to brainpower (glean from that what you will.) Females, on the other hand, can almost never seriously date or marry someone unless they have equal or greater intelligence than themselves. Friends? Fine. Colleagues? Sure. But being with someone for the rest of their lives? That person must glow.
Thus, when you consider all of these factors—rarity, intelligence, the natural pickiness of all INTJS, and, oh yeah, compatibility—mating can be a serious struggle. It’s true, lowering expectations does help in finding a mate. But then they are usually stuck feeling a lack of respect for their partner. And once an INTJ loses respect for their mate, it is almost impossible for them to keep the negativity they feel in the depths of their mind.
Now if you’re reading this and you are an INTJ female, I must say that this post is not intended to make things seem bleak. On the contrary; it’s designed to help you understand yourself better. You are a rare and special type. It may take more time to find someone for whom you feel both respect and attraction, but the reward is usually worth the wait. After all, jadeite should be set in nothing less than gold.
If you’re reading this and you happened to have landed an INTJ female, then congratulations. That is a high honor. If you’re interested in an INTJ female, then the key is to be the best you can be in spirit, mind, and body. They want to know you can keep up with them. So read, write, exercise, and do not be lazy, or else they will likely outdistance you and not look back.
What's My Type? 
Thanks for the article. Finding out that I am an INTJ and female on top of that was the first thing in my life that made completely sense to me and explained a lot, struggles and all. Being and INTJ, after one marriage, getting ready to go out into the dating world,which BTW has changed considerably since the last time I dated, is very daunting. Your article came at a right time
Thanks for the kind words. I am really glad you enjoyed it. Truthfully, I wasn’t too sure how an article like this would be received. It was definitely designed to be helpful!
I was once friends with a INTJ female who saw flaws in everyone. I’m an ENFP, she found my vulnerability disgusting and dumb. I had to end our friendship because it was unhealthy. She was the one who keeps asking me for advice but then gave me so much shit for the way I see things. I think intj females should try to see that there’s other kinds of intelligence and that they’re not that “special”. They’re smart but not much can be done when they’re that closed minded and stuck up.
You had back luck 😦
I’m a female INTJ, most of my friends are Fi/Fe and I REALLY appreciate their views on emotional stuff as they help me socialize better and compliment myself on an area I’m not that good at.
I am sorry that happened to you. Some people can just be plain rude. I have many wonderful INTJ friends. Of course, there are good and bad in all types! But I try not to let the bad ones color my perception of the lot. 🙂
You’ve pointed out exactly what my main problem with most Myers Briggs descriptions of INTJ is. This article is also guilty of it. Being an INTJ does not mean you are guaranteed to be intelligent, that you are more intelligent than everyone around you, or that you are special. It means you are logical, think objectively, and tend to have trouble with social concepts. I realize that intelligence is typically measured through logic, problem solving, and other things INTJs tend to be good at. But I agree with you 100% that there are other kinds of intelligence which are just as valuable as logic. Such as emotional, verbal, and musical intelligence. People who think logically can still be idiots if they lack awareness.
We may have higher than average problem solving skills in general, but that only applies to specific types of problems. I am very good at problem solving at work but I am basically useless when it comes to solving problems related to emotions or relationships and you could probably get more useful answers out of your cat. I think INTJs are very susceptible to ignorance and arrogance if we aren’t careful. I think all this “YOU ARE SO SPECIAL AND RARE” shit should be toned back or stopped. Being special or rare isn’t always a good thing. Ask anyone with a rare illness or uncommon technical problem. Good luck getting understanding or support.
I’m glad you saw how poorly she was treating you and walked away. I think you made the right call.
Great comment. Thanks so much for posting. Of course, not all INTJs are intelligent, but I would venture to say that you are. 🙂
I totally agree with you. I’m an INTJ female as well and I’m pretty good at logical thinking and problem solving if I can say so myself. On the other hand I’m terrible at understanding some emotions and social situations. Also when someone asks for my opinion on one of their personal issues I sometimes will give a way to blunt and objective answer which ends up hurting the person instead of consoling them.
I think true intelligence is the capability to be reasonably good at problem solving and logic thinking, but I think social and emotional skills might even be more important.
I think every personality type should work on their personality as a whole and not just facets of it
🙂
Well said, Sky.
Your’s was perhaps a defective one. I’m fairly cranky but I’ve never been outright needlessly critical.
However having known some ENFP males, OMG! Noooooo, I cannot take the whining and clingyness. So perhaps ENFP and INTJ should just stay away from each other?
Also, how do you define “vulnerability”? Perhaps what you see as vulnerability, others not just your former friend sees as poorly contained. Sometimes we need to be emotionally messy, but being full time drama queens is wearing, particularly to INTJ’s. I met an INFJ male recently and OMG, I felt like he was vomiting emotions all over me. At first I felt like a dear in headlights, then after a while I lost my patience with him and became INTJ critical.
I suspect – if you want to go all MBTI – that NF and NT people who are super extreme are never going to go well together. In the worst cases extreme emotive and extreme rational are never going to find a happy medium, because they don’t know how to put down one preference and try the other one on for a spell.
A defective INTJ! PAHA.
Indeed, having an extreme personality can cause tension. It’s best to be balanced, though if you’re not naturally that way it does take some study.
I was talking to a male stranger at an event we went to together and she thought I crossed the line because I have a bf and what I was doing was totally misleading him. She thinks I’m too vulnerable and naive to think that males don’t have a sexual intent. Another example is when she was trying “figure a guy out” I just told her to ask him on a date and just get know him. She said that’s so stupid and only something I would do because in her world, he should be the one to initiate.
😐😐😐… not all intj females are like that… I know because I am one
Definitely not. It’s best to not lump all people into a stereotype, for sure.
I have an INTJ personality and am open minded on many matters. Are you certain that your friend was INTJ? INTJ personality types are usually decisive and are not, “stuck up,” but allow our work and knowledge speak for us without trying to appear superior to anyone else. That stated, we hate to, “dumb down,” what we are saying and expect that someone can understand things on our level. Given your reference of, “special,” taking in to consideration the percentage of INTJ females, we are in a minority group and given the meaning of, “special,” are, “special.”
I think perhaps we are abusing “intelligence” here as a confusion between academic learning and natural talent. As for talent or learning, not all INTJ’s are going to be tech and science geniuses, there are many applications professionally for the cognitive processes INTJ’s utilize.
Although INTJ’s are good at almost anything they put their minds to, one should consider access and practice, as that can determine ultimately if skills can be exploited. I’m good at almost everything I try, because I have access to whatever I want to try.
I daresay the only unintelligent INTJ is one who doesn’t want to consume information/knowledge like they were a Hoover. Has anyone ever met an INTJ who wouldn’t fancy Vulcan mindmeld to acquire knowledge faster? I for one as an INTJ can’t stand being around people who are not intellectually curious. And when I find someone who will indulge me on intellectual escapades, I keep them close like a pet rock. 🙂
Your comment made me laugh. Well said.
It is true, most INTJs are intelligent (though that intelligence does vary) but they are not all geniuses, as many believe themselves to be. Though it must be said that among geniuses, INTJs tend to have a high number. But! laziness can plague the INTJ like any personality. And that is truly a shame because they have much to offer should they buck up and study.
This was a very interesting read. I am a female INTJ and a high school English teacher. I approach my teaching from a more scientific approach than others in my department and when I am sharing ideas, I often seem abrupt, harsh or judgy! LOL
My students say to me all the time: “Ms. you are the smartest person that I have ever met,” because I discuss scientific topics with them, such as psychology, meditation,physics, and I can help them in calculus. I have worked hard on building my empathy but it is still very difficult because before you know it, I have said something that is on my mind and then someone emotional person goes off the wall and I am like, “WHOA”!!
I do have problems dating because I know so much, from so many different fields. I read constantly, I don’t own a TV, nor do I want to (been TV free for 8 years). I try to encourage everyone to be their best, but that works for my students but not adults. They automatically think that you are telling them how to live their lives, etc. I am not asking them anything that I wouldn’t do myself as I am always striving to learn and improve. All of these things I have read about my personality fits me to a tee. People do not understand me. I do not get asked to sit at the popular table. I am OK with that at age 41. I live the life now that my married friends are envious of (travel, learning pursuit of goals).
Perhaps this personality served me well. The grass may seem greener on the other side but I am happy in my own yard now, though I wasn’t always. It takes years for INTJ women to become comfortable in a woman’s body, I think. I have had to study what it means to be feminine and the like, which people also find odd. I can’t win in the eyes of others and I have stopped. I only want to please ME. I hope you INTJ ladies an become also so comfortable as to live your own life, even if it means you may never fin a suitable partner. Because of our personality types, we will be just fine alone! You don’t NEED a partner and some of these personality types try to make me feel like I must be mentally ill if I am ok alone!
What a wonderful comment. You sound like a great conversationalist! I rarely watch TV myself (I didn’t own a TV growing up.)
Also, I think it’s a shame that we, as adults, lose that sense of malleability–allowing others to speak into our lives. It’s important to be a life-long learner, if you ask me.
Last thing: you are so right. People get hung up on wanting to get married, when the truth is, it’s sometimes best to remain single!
“But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another.” – The Apostle Paul
Last year, I discovered I am an INTJ female. and for the first time in my life (i’m in my 40s) things made complete sense. When i got married at 24, i thought that’s what I wanted and it also was an expectation from society that you get married. 2 kids and a divorce later, i realize that married life is not for everybody and I am slowly learning to not only to be single without kids living at home but a single INTJ female. I have found, that not many people can easily deal with INTJs and that makes it at times difficult, especially when you are a bit “socially awkward”
Hi Alexandra,
Thanks so much for your comment. Divorce is tough–it doesn’t matter who you are. I really appreciate you sharing your story.
It’s good that you know yourself enough to have an honest conversation. But I am glad you also know yourself enough to realize that you’ve got a wonderful personality and that you’ve accepted yourself for who you are.
This means a lot to me.
I’m a Intj female as well and this is the first time I agree with someone on this topic. Most of my friends do not understand if I tell them that I’m happy and fine on my own. Maby this will change when we get older (we’re 20 now)
Thank you 🙂
Your comment hit the hammer on the nail! I feel the exact same way as an upper elementary teacher, mainly because I try to teach from a logical perspective. As a 24 year old, I’m defintiely becoming more comfortable with my personality because I’m accomplishing goals and dreams that I’ve had to work for. Thank you for the inspiring words!
This was a very interesting read. I am a female INTJ and a high school English teacher. I approach my teaching from a more scientific approach than others in my department and when I am sharing ideas, I often seem abrupt, harsh or judgy! LOL
My students say to me all the time: “Ms. you are the smartest person that I have ever met,” because I discuss scientific topics with them, such as psychology, meditation,physics, and I can help them in calculus. I have worked hard on building my empathy but it is still very difficult because before you know it, I have said something that is on my mind and then someone emotional person goes off the wall and I am like, “WHOA”!!
I do have problems dating because I know so much, from so many different fields. I read constantly, I don’t own a TV, nor do I want to (been TV free for 8 years). I try to encourage everyone to be their best, but that works for my students but not adults. They automatically think that you are telling them how to live their lives, etc. I am not asking them anything that I wouldn’t do myself as I am always striving to learn and improve. All of these things I have read about my personality fits me to a tee. People do not understand me. I do not get asked to sit at the popular table. I am OK with that at age 41. I live the life now that my married friends are envious of (travel, learning pursuit of goals).
Perhaps this personality served me well. The grass may seem greener on the other side but I am happy in my own yard now, though I wasn’t always. It takes years for INTJ women to become comfortable in a woman’s body, I think. I have had to study what it means to be feminine and the like, which people also find odd. I can’t win in the eyes of others and I have stopped. I only want to please ME. I hope you INTJ ladies an become also so comfortable as to live your own life, even if it means you may never fin a suitable partner. Because of our personality types, we will be just fine alone! You don’t NEED a partner and some of these personality types try to make me feel like I must be mentally ill if I am ok alone!
I’m a female INTJ and when I first read about it I felt so understood and a lot of stuff suddenly made sense. My mom looked over the description and said “that makes sense” and also “you never really were that popular” – well thanks mom. But I guess she is right. I can also see the problem now: my standards are set too high. I set them pretty high for myself and I am ok with friends not being as ambitious but I would not tolerate it in a partner. I once talked to a guy and he asked me about the stuff I do in my freetime and I started “travelling, running, rock climbing, playing music in a band, agility with my dog,..” and then I asked “what about you?” and he just said “listening to music, watching movies and… weed”. I immidiately lost all respect I had for him and I also found him boring. That wouldn’t have been a problem if it had just been a friend but I want a partner with some ambition and who is intelecutally on my level. I think that has been the problem with most guys I’ve met so far and is also the reason why I never really had a boyfriend (I’m only 21 though). Well that and the fact that I’m not a huge fan of partys.
I completely agree with Sheree – you do not need a boyfriend to be happy. But I wish I had someone in my life (friend or partner) who cannot only keep up with me but who I can have deep hour-long conversations with, who challenges me, who helps me realize those crazy fantastic ideas I have in my head and who just gets me.
Love this. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I will say that in the past, especially in high school, it was difficult for me to find a kindred spirit. It wasn’t until I starting studying at the University that I met people with similar mindsets and ambitions. So don’t despair (yes, you are young!) Give it some time; have patience; be flexible. I am sure you’ll meet a mind-mate.
As an INTJ female, I totally relate. I didn’t have my first boyfriend till I was 24 as I was just too socially awkward and people found me intimidating. It was also hard because of my high expectations. I feel like as I’ve gotten older (I’m 30), I’ve learned to manage my expectations and I’ve learned to appreciate other types of intelligence, not just the logical kind. I’m now dating an ENFP and at times he is just the opposite of me. I would not have been able to date someone like him 5 years ago. I think learning to manage expectations of people and appreciating other personality types is important.
Thanks for the comment. It can take time, but on the bright side, because of your selectiveness, the trail of broken hearts behind INTJs is usually shorter than most.
Also, interestingly enough, many have said the ENFP and INTJ are the perfect couple. I am inclined to believe that “perfection” in dating relationships isn’t attainable, but compatibility certainly is!