The INTJ: Sex, Dating, and Love


May 9, 2014 by philipbullitthughes

Out of all the personality types, INTJs have the most difficulty in the area of mating. Not because there is something wrong with them, per se, but because they regard the selection as a rational process, a matter of finding someone who meets their physical and intellectual requirements.  They desire a mate of the mind: someone smart, preferably genius, harmonious, and above all else independent, able to stand up to their formidable personalities. The INTJ will figure out very quickly, usually by the first or second date, whether or not a relationship has a future. If not the INTJ will not waste time toying with courtships of little promise; they are done and they will not look back.

deep-in-thought-02-ssMasterminds rely on their heads rather than their hearts when dating, and thus are often accused of being cold and calculating when breaking things off. However, contrary to popular belief, INTJs are deeply emotional, even romantic types. They are extremely difficult to read as they tend to not be emotionally expressive, distrusting emotions as illogical whims that seek to subdue them. Thus, the INTJ might feel waves of deep feelings over a break-up, yet seem distant and frigid where they used to be close and warm. The INTJ values their privacy above all else, and while they might have shared in the past with a person of trust, once that bond is broken, the person is no longer a confidant, walled off from their inner world.

Another unfortunate problem for the INTJ is their infinite patience when it comes to dating. They are meticulous, developing intimacy rather slowly. A person may pique their interest, but they are unhurried, studying the ins and outs of the relationship, dipping their toes in one at a time for lengthy intervals. A year may go by, then two, and when they finally decide they actually are in love, the person of interest may have already moved on. Thus, many INTJs do not get married until the latter years of life.

study dateDespite their difficulties in the dating world, once the INTJ does find someone worthy of their personal investment, they make loyal and passionate mates. They view their mate as a partner with whom they can explore the world of ideas, a sounding board, an extension of their own mind. Autonomous, yet still together. That special person holds a crowned place inside of their hearts, an individual with whom their love extends endlessly and exclusively.

INTJs feel pledged to the relationship with or without a marriage license, and do not hold to societies standards of mating behavior; rules and formalities hold little pressure for them. They might put up with the ceremonies, licenses, and other hubbub to please their family or mate, but generally they simply do not care. What matters to the INTJ is individual commitment, a personal contract they strictly adhere to.

699-03541657INTJs tend to view sexuality the same way they view the standards of mating behavior. They might not care for what society tells them, rather their own set of sexual ethics are carefully considered and strictly adhered to. Usually, as a matter of personal preference, they view sexual promiscuity with distaste, though they generally are not reluctant to explore their sexuality within the context of a seriously committed relationship. INTJs abhor public displays of affection, seeing them as a lack of self-control. However, in private they have no qualms with being physically demonstrative, a place where they can let loose without the eyes of the world on them.

In conclusion, INTJs make wonderful mental and loving mates. If you are fortunate enough to have one in your life, remember their need for independence. They love theories, hypothesizing, study, and personal advancement. But do not mistake their abstract, highly focused way of life as indifference. It sometimes takes a gentle reminder for them to pull their noses from their books and join the family circle, typically which they are happy to do.

If you happen to be an INTJ, remember that not everyone holds to the same need for efficiency in what they do and say. “I love you,” may seem obvious or redundant, but not always to your loved one. It may be a stretch, even annoying to have to do so, but affectionate words go a long way for many.

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151 thoughts on “The INTJ: Sex, Dating, and Love

  1. Bello says:

    This is an AMAZING article and very well written. I am currently dating an INTJ and this made me understand him more. But contrary to the usual INTJ, my boyfriend was the one to pursue me and is more expressive with his love for me (BUT, it was I that made him realize my value when I cut any form of contact with him simply because I didn’t like the idea of dating someone who has no long term plans, which i have assumed without fully knowing him) after 3yrs of courting, i decided to make it official. I’m an INFJ, though i feel like i’m on the fence with INTJ. I’m a programmer, part time teacher and i paint if time permits. We’re very much happy now and I can’t think of anyone whom i can really connect with but him.

    • What a great comment. Thanks so much for reaching out, Bello! INTJs are such a fantastic group of people. But so are INFJs. My mom’s an INFJ, so I have a special place in my heart for them.

  2. racheldn says:

    My family and some friends are always making jabs at my lack of relationships. I wish they could all read this and get a better grip on how selective an INTJ is–even though I’m a girl. Luckily, I have a friend that is also an INTJ and we seem to be the only two from our entire graduating class that is still without a significant other. This is extremely informative for those who may not understand the depth of an INTJ personality. Thank you!

    • You should read my post on the Pygmalion Project. It’s an unfortunate truth, but most people try to make those around them more like themselves.

      I’m glad you haven’t let you bring you down, though. Also, I’m not sure if you’re graduating from high school or college, but trust me, there is PLENTY of time to wait and choose wisely. And if you want to never date, then that’s up to you! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. 🙂

  3. Mary says:

    As a female INTJ, I agree that we find it hard to find someone that stimulates us and that we figure people out really quickly. But as a result of that, I have always found intimacy VERY quickly once I found someone that I believe I am compatible with in a relationship. Relationships coming rarely with me obviously due to my selectiveness, but nonetheless I have always been the one that once I think someone is compatible put my heart completely in with no reservations. So I disagree with that part of the article.

  4. devintbarnes says:

    Spot on! Where do I subscribe?

  5. Fab says:

    ““I love you,” may seem obvious or redundant, but not always to your loved one. It may be a stretch, even annoying to have to do so, but affectionate words go a long way for many.”

    Omg… My exhusband used to say stuff like this. LMAO. I know I’m certainly reluctant to commit and pressure to do so makes me want to walk away. Never thought of my desire to work through it as patience though. I always figured i was just being too emotional or habitual in my behaviour/thinking patterns. It’s nice to have a more positive outlook on sticking around.

  6. Tammie Norton says:

    As an intj female who is married to an istj scientist administrator I find that my intuitive function has to be very patient at times with his sensing function. It takes him a lot longer to come around to the same conclusion. However he is the perfect mine mate and his loyalty and devotion is very much appreciated. We have been married for 34 years . I highly recommend the istj male for the intj female.

  7. kayannefernandes says:

    Very good article with interesting abstract information that is much true!
    As an INTJ woman I must point out I am very sexual and I view what many would call promiscuous from a too far perspective from the subject (some people really called me nymphomaniac or hypersexual) I see sophistication from close perspective.
    But as when you said “INTJs might not care for what society tells them, rather their own set of sexual ethics are carefully considered and strictly adhered to.” Which is true, but as I view sexuality in a deeper sophisticated way to levels beyond just mating or just have children. Maybe usually, as a matter of personal preference, INTJs in general view sexuality with distaste as you said, but I point you out it’s not a matter of rule but rather relative. I will try to be a producer in the adult industry and many other things (which is interesting to my mental stimulation of creating whole systems) to influence and control some part of the market as a hobby for me (but as you said, it’s very personal and private as well as the other projects). Thank you for the article! I am sorry if what I say offend some people, you don’t have to like sexuality, as I said.

  8. forever 29 says:

    I was dating an ITNJ and boy was this difficult in some areas. We were opposites attract and I valued so many of his great qualities. He is a great gentleman with a rude twist. I couldn’t handle his lack of caring for certain things that were important to me. As crazy as it sounds, I’m intrigued by him but his burst of rudeness killed it!!

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