April 25, 2014 by philipbullitthughes
It’s time to take a break from the usual post and do something different. I’ve had quite a few requests to do a post on love and dating for the INFJ, and so here it is. If you have any requests for a type you’d like to see addressed, please leave them in the comment section below.
Dating for the INFJ can be especially challenging. Not because they are tough to get along with. It’s actually quite the opposite. INFJs have arguably the greatest capacity of all the types for depth, love, soulfulness, empathy, and have a strong desire to share their rich inner lives with their significant other.
But it’s these aspects of their personality that cause the Idealist so much grief in their search for a mate. For the INFJ, they almost never date casually or play the field. They have to feel a bond that takes time to cultivate. But once that bond is established, the INFJ will freely give themselves, heart and mind, to their significant other. The problem is, most other types, especially the SJs and the SPs, do not possess the INFJs need for soul sharing, and while they might try to listen dutifully to the INFJs flights of imagination, they tend to not fully understand what the INFJ means by soulful bonding, often leaving the INFJ disappointed and reaching. Thus, the INFJ tends to only find their mate through a series of trial and error, and they may have to date multiple people, going through a cycle of painful breakups before they find “the one.” For the INFJ, such breakups can leave their sensitive and complex personality deeply wounded, and at times they vow not to date anyone for an extended period of time until they are fully healed.
Now it’s important to note that that while the INFJ, like any type, has its struggles when dating, they are one of the few types that can get along all the other types, for they tend to give themselves to the study of the person of interest in detail, figuring out their likes and dislikes, sacrificing their own needs for their sake. Thus, other types tend to be naturally attracted to them—their air of mystery and kind heartedness—and thus, even though they might decide to give up on love, they often find themselves being pursued, and true to their romantic nature, they open back up as time wears on. And once the INFJ finds someone of any type that appreciates them for who they are, the bond experienced between the two is truly a special thing. Their significant other will find unconditional love, a gifted listener, and a support system that few other types can give.
As far as actual dates are concerned, INFJs enjoy physical activities and social gatherings to a degree, but when it comes to romance, they much prefer sitting one-on-one with their interest in a quiet place where the two of them can share their thoughts and ideas. They enjoy seeing movies, going to art museums, poetry, plays, novels, and the like, but unlike some who merely wish to be entertained, the INFJ wants to discuss and explore what it meant to them personally.
In regards to sex, the INFJ often feels divided. On one hand, they insist that sex must be an expression of love rather than lust, and will almost never engage in it casually. They wish for sex to be a communion of the souls, a life-long bond between them and their mate. To them, even the word sex might seem crude, and love elevates the relationship to a higher plain. But make no mistake, the INFJ highly responsive to physical beauty and sexual attraction, and for all their other-worldliness, they make passionate and warm mates.
Oddly, some INFJs can be given to spells of hot and cold when it comes to love making. They tend to not enjoy public displays of affection, and wish to be in the mood, and to choose when the expressions of love take place. One minute they may be warm and inviting, while the next standoffish, which can be quite confusing to their mates. Still, despite their seeming fluctuations, the INFJ is a very physically affectionate mate.
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